“Calm down. You’re so sensitive. Where’s your sense of humor? You’re crazy!”
If you’re a woman, in all probability, you’ve heard it before.
Psychologists refer to this as ‘gaslighting’ – silencing techniques used to shut you down after you have addressed someone else’s behavior. In that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how you should feel.
Gaslighting is when one person systemically confuses the other person into thinking their reactions are crazy, to the point where they actually question their sanity. The term is not very mainstream as it originated from the 1940’s film Gas Light, where a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she is crazy.
While gaslighting is not a universal truth for all women, there are plenty of women who unknowingly encounter it at home, in personal relationships and especially at work.
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Sbusi Dlamini, HR Business Partner for ShowMax in Johannesburg, says gaslighting commonly manifests in the workplace when there is a power imbalance, such as a manager and his/her assistant. It starts with simple acts such as withholding key information like dates or details of a project, lying about instructions given or not providing the necessary support when in a position to do so.
For instance, if a woman raises valid concerns at work, she is considered to be whining or moody. If she is insulted and her feelings are hurt, it’s her fault for not having a sense of humor. In both these scenarios, the woman is to blame and both parties are conditioned into believing that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as men’s, and what women have to say and what they feel aren’t as legitimate.
“It is malicious because it plays on your worst fears and desire to be understood,” says Dlamini.
Dlamini points out that gaslighting is not exclusive to submissive, introverted women, but confident, assertive women with power are also vulnerable to it.
“Women are traditionally labeled as too sensitive or over-emotional, so they are more susceptible to gaslighting in various roles and industries.”
An example of this is the infamous ‘Google Memo’ written by a now former Google engineer, James Damore. He wrote that women are not suited for certain jobs because of their genetic make up, and the gender gaps at work are not due to discrimination, but inherent biological differences between men and women.
Such gender stereotypes are harmful to women because spending your days working with a colleague who believes you were born incapable of being good at your job can eventually lead you ask yourself: “What am I doing here?”
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Dlamini also believes that in addition to gender, race plays a role in the reality of women in corporate Africa.
“People of color, women in particular, are historically taught to be submissive and this undeniably follows them into the workplace. As a result of this, they find themselves submitting to those in power in order to progress, thus allowing abusive behavior,” she says.
Dlamini says the first step in dealing with gaslighters is to detach yourself so you can distinguish between the world of the gaslighter and the real world.
“It’s important to remember that gaslighting only works when you believe what the other person says,” she adds.
In her experience, she advises victims to keep a written record in case they should doubt their memory. Bringing in a third party can also help keep track of what transpires, as well as reporting the case to human resources.
Women deserve the equal, unbiased opportunity to prosper in the workplace without abusive mind games that perpetuate discrimination.
“Once you are aware of it, the hard part is over and you can work to mentally overcome it,” she says.
<h2>7 signs you are a victim of gaslighting:</h2>
<ul>
<li>You are constantly second-guessing yourself and doubting your capabilities</li>
<li>You often feel confused and “crazy” at work</li>
<li>You often ask yourself if you’re being too sensitive</li>
<li>You are always apologetic or feel you’ve done something wrong</li>
<li>You feel your thoughts and ideas are shut down</li>
<li>You are indecisive because you don’t trust your own judgment</li>
<li>You doubt your own sanity</li>
</ul>
&#8211; Written by Cadine Pillay

Gaslighting – Surely, This Has Happened To You Too

In ancient Egypt, color was often used to provide insight on important matters. This use of color continues today. In psychology, color can be used as a tool for understanding your behavior and character traits. In the world of business, it is believed that one can use color to encourage sales, calm a crowd and boost the morale of a team.
When it came time for Mike Nyinaku to choose a name for his business seven years ago, he settled on the BEIGE Group. Under the color theory, beige is dependable, conservative and flexible.
Nyinaku is the founder and Chief Executive Officer of the BEIGE Group, a hospitality, trade, real estate and logistics company. BEIGE Capital is the flagship brand in the group’s portfolio. The company currently controls around 30% of the total assets and liabilities of the savings and loans market in Ghana.
Despite Nyinaku’s success, it has been a long and tough journey.
“I have failed at probably a lot more than I have been successful and even the ones we succeed at, we failed at least five times before getting it right,” says Nyinaku.
Although relaxed, Nyinaku is dressed smartly with a shirt and bow tie, giving him an aristocratic look. Born to a banker mother and an accountant father, Nyinaku grew up with two siblings and had to fend for himself early in life when his dad was not around.
“I became an entrepreneur out of necessity,” says Nyinaku, as his voice resonates in his expansive, but minimalist, office.
“I started working at the age of 14 to raise extra money to take care of myself during the summer holidays. I was walking down the neighborhood and came across an overgrown lawn and asked the owner if I could mow it for a fee.”
He graduated from the Institute of Professional Studies in Ghana, where he studied accounting. While studying, Nyinaku needed money to feed himself. This forced him to go to small shops to offer his bookkeeping services.
“It was not that easy in the beginning. Out of every 20 to 30 shops I visited, I was able to make one sale, but that sale was enough to take care of my needs for about three days,” he says.
He managed to build a group of clients; around 25 small businesses used his general accountancy services, bookkeeping and savings planning. However it was his appointment at Deloitte which enabled Nyinaku to hone his skills. As an audit trainee, he gained invaluable exposure to practical accountancy.
“At Deloitte, I had the opportunity to be exposed to the financial reports of so many different companies across several different industries. If you are lucky, you get to do about 50 audits a year, you cannot place a value on that level of experience,” says Nyinaku.
As he completed more and more accounting jobs, Nyinaku came in contact with influential people across a number of sectors. One of those contacts made him an offer he could not refuse and, after two years, Nyinaku became a senior financial officer at OIC International, a United States-based organization with an office in Ghana that runs poverty alleviation programs. During this period, Nyinaku kept his private clients with Prime Consult, a firm he had started. He would dedicate two days in the week to meet his clients and manage their financial reports.
After eight years at OIC, Nyinaku’s private business grew and he could no longer manage the two. He made the difficult decision of quitting his job at OIC so he could focus on his own business interests. Nyinaku decided he wanted to venture into banking.
“I got introduced to the stock exchange during the windfall years where the stock exchange was making a lot of money for a lot of people and I had made quite a bit of money,” he says.
He had made around $500,000 which he used to start a micro-finance company. It was not smooth sailing. He applied for his micro-finance license from the Bank of Ghana but his application was rejected. The bank told Nyinaku he needed $1 million in start-up capital. He found a way around this by applying for a license through the Ghana Police Service. At that time, an alternative way of applying for a license to become a micro-finance license in Ghana was through an initiative with the police. This initiative gave birth to Nyinaku’s first banking company.
From humble beginnings, BEIGE Capital has grown to a company with 700 employees and an average return on equity of about 20% since 2010.
Nyinaku is frank about how he got this far.
“I have staked everything I have in my business. I believe if I want someone to invest in me, I have to make the commitment of investing everything I have and that is what I have done.”
Nyinaku took the risk of walking away from a promising corporate career to create something new. For many that risk can mean losing everything, for Nyinaku it was the starting point on his path to riches.

Tag: Psychology

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Gaslighting – Surely, This Has Happened To You Too

‘I Have Staked Everything I Have In My Business’